When couples feel unhappy in their marriage life, they convince themselves that their spouse is the reason for their misery. And, when the feeling is prolonged, they feel trapped and hopeless. With this, most couples find divorce as an escape that frees them from the pain or stress.
However, not many realize that getting a divorce, through court, is way harder than imagined. You have to be all physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially ready. Whether you choose to get a divorce or restore your marriage, neither can provide you with a quick solution to your problem.
Many couples are struggling with their marriage and it’s surprising how little prepared they are for the reality of divorce.
If you’re battening down to tell your spouse “I want a divorce”, understand first what you’re getting into. Below are some practical tips for you to consider before ending your marriage and some questions every couple needs to answer when contemplating getting a divorce:
Things to Consider Before Getting a Divorce
In Ontario, most couples who have ended their marriages, through court proceedings, wished they were unmarried through mediation. They wished they had considered some crucial things beforehand and thought it over. To help you not commit the same mistakes they did, consider these 3 vital things:
- Don’t rush – As soon as you and your spouse decide to get divorced, you just want it to be over. Hence, rushing things over. However, divorce can’t be rushed, and shouldn’t be. You will make life-altering decisions that will impact not only your individual lives but your children’s as well. Take all the time you need to contemplate and avoid making snap irrational decisions.
- Hire a Separate lawyer – It’s not a good idea to share a divorce lawyer with your spouse. When you decide to get a divorce, you and your spouse will have separate interests. Hiring a separate lawyer will provide you unbiased legal counsel and can negotiate logically on your side.
- Handle your emotions – Emotions play hard in divorce, that’s why it’s equally necessary to manage them properly. For instance, anger will be there. However, letting such emotions rage will only hurt you more than it hurts them. Control your emotions, handle them when need be or consult experts at www.unmarry.ca to advice you what’s best way to handle emotions without any regrets.
10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting a Divorce
Before you make a big leap over your marriage life, consider self-reflection first by asking the following questions to yourself before getting a divorce:
1. What Are My Aims for Wanting a Divorce?
The first thing you need to ask yourself is for what are you getting a divorce for? If you’re thinking divorce can help your partner change or treat you better, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Divorce has nothing to do with changing someone’s mind and heart or making up for the ‘wrongs’ in your relationship. Divorce exists for one reason and that is to end a marriage so people can free themselves from the stress of incompatibility and be happy in their life.
2. What’s My Role in The Problem of Your Marriage?
You need to be honest with yourself, have you contributed to the problems that you have in your marriage? Maybe there was a time when your actions, or inactions, frustrated your partner. Have you been listening closely to what your spouse expects, wants, fears, likes, and loves?
You might notice that your relationship has weakened but in reality, your partner is just keeping out from you due to a lack of understanding. This might be a bitter pill to swallow but things will keep on going over and over again if you just let these problems run in your marriage.
3. Do I Want to Work on Our Marriage?
Another tricky question, to ask yourself and your spouse, is if both of you are still willing to work out your relationship. If you want to do it and your partner is open about the possibility, then it should be a good sign. However, if both of you are only staying for financial reasons or for the sake of the kids, then getting a divorce might still be the best shot you got.
4. Do I Still Have Feelings For My Spouse?
Plenty of people who want a divorce still have strong attraction and deep connection with their partners. However, since couples struggle in the relationship badly, they lose their closeness and intimacy. If this is you, the best thing you can do is to try and work on your relationship before calling it quits.
To help you in this, you can start going into couple’s therapy with your partner. There are excellent therapists in Windsor or Toronto that might help you deal with your issues in your relationship.
5. Will My Life Be Better Without My Spouse?
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Would you be happier without your partner? Do you feel like you’re sacrificing right now while in the relationship? What will it cost you if you lose your spouse?
Every relationship has drawbacks. However, you have to ensure that the positive features outweigh the negative ones. For instance, your partner may be unromantic but provides well for your family. In this case, you have to take the initiative and show them how much they are worth to you.
When people start to feel like they fail in the relationship, they’d think divorce is the best escape. However, you need to try all the alternatives you can find to make your relationship work.
6. Have I Tried All the Options?
You might want to ask this question when you want your partner to take an active part in solving the problems and if you’ve tried everything yourself. However, when you and your spouse are unwilling to get a divorce but can’t find any exit door, you can lean into marriage counselling. Just remember to go back to the reason why you fell in love with your partner and looking back your family portrait photography might help you save your marriage.
7. How Will Divorce Affect My Children?
Divorce can be damaging to your children’s overall health. So, before you get a divorce, make sure you can handle your children well.
Studies have shown that children with divorced parents suffer a childhood trauma that has negative effects. For instance, it increases their risks of experiencing anxiety, depression, and addiction.
However, just to make it clear – we’re not saying this to make you feel guilty if you end your marriage. Rather a reminder to prioritize the health and wellbeing of your children as well.
8. Is There Someone Else?
Infidelity is one of the reasons why people get a divorce. When their needs (that should be filled by your spouse) are being met by someone else, people tend to break. So, ask yourself if you’re leaning for an emotional or sexual connection with someone else. If yes, then divorce may be the best option for you.
9. Am I Sure This Is Not Because of An Emotionally Reactive Decision?
For both sides to be ready for divorce, they should be able to make logical and clear decisions. Making decisions out of charged emotions doesn’t usually end up well and won’t resolve the problem. If you get a divorce because of frustration or anger, you’ll stay frustrated and angry even when the divorce is finally over.
Again, when you decide to get a divorce, you should lessen your emotional attachment to your partner.
10. Can I Really Handle It?
Divorce through courts is not fun. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially exhausting. When you decide to get one, you have to ensure you’re well prepared and ready should anything happen. You need to handle your emotions well when the situation gets more hurtful. You need to settle your finances to ensure you can support it financially during the process. So, before you make any decisions, assure yourself first if you can handle it.